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| I was doing so well...I'm sorry I failed you
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| I don't want to say things didn't work out, because we still talk we still hang out we still do everything the same...minus the title. We're not fuck buddies. We're not dating. We're not just friends. You may not understand that and whatever I guess, it's not your relationship to be understanding or not. What matters is that we're happy. Maybe at the end of the summer, I'm not going to be happy, maybe boot camp is going to kill me and tear me apart even if I'm not partaking in any of the actual things going on there. Who knows how things are going to be a few months down the road? What I know right now is that he makes me happy, he picks me up when need me, he holds me when I need to be held, he listens when I need to say something, he doesn't interrupt me, he doesn't force his views on me, he gives me advice when I need it, and doesn't get mad if I don't follow it. He puts a smile on my face like no one has ever before. "the one person worth crying over will never make you cry" Fuck that, I've seen people so in love and so upset. I think that's a huge line of bullshit...not that bulls shit in lines. But honestly, if everyone found the person they were meant to be with and never had any problems, how would we learn? Every fight, every tear, I've learned something. This guy has taught me so many things about myself and helped me to do so many things I would not have been able to do months ago. To find someone who can teach you and who you can teach and not necessarily change, but to help someone grow and them help you grow, is one of the best feelings ever. I may not be great at expressing how I feel face to face, but give me a pen and a some paper and I can pour my heart out. I love you, James and if people can't deal with and can't understand why things are the way they with us...so be it. I don't need everyone else's approval on what to do in my life. I've had people tell me that before and I haven't listened because I used to just do what everyone else told me to do, but you showed me that I didn't have to listen to everyone and you gave me a reason to stand up for myself.
Maybe I'll meet someone while you're gone but...I don't want to. I'm not saying that I'm going to sit in my room and be a hermit until things with the Navy settle down, but I'm not going to try to find someone to fill the empty space my bed, I'm not that girl. 6 months ago, that may not have been the case, that's not what life is about, and I'm not looking to get married or anything of the sort, I'm just not the girl I used to be, the one you heard about when this all started, the one you hoped I wouldn't be...and I think I've done a good job so far at proving that I'm not the girl I used to be...and I don't want to mess that.
You're everything to me...and people don't understand...come find me...prove them wrong.
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| So I don't have bills to pay, the only thing I pay for in college are my books, my loans and food. I understand, you pay your phone bill for the family, you have a car you pay for all the shit that goes along with that. Yeah, I just sit there and collect money, but who says I'm not going to use it someday. I'm preparing myself for something. What, I don't know, but when you tell me that I do nothing with my money I just want to smack you sometimes. Honestly, I'm sick of hearing you bring up the fact that I don't spend my money. Life isn't spending money. I know I'm well off, but I'm not going to sit there and brag about it. I know I don't have much to complain about and yeah when everyone else complains about their summer jobs and the lack of sleep and family problems I don't say anything, because I know that my problems aren't that bad. Yeah, my parents fight about stupid shit and yes, I get upset about it, but do I tell you that...no because I know that you'll just say something about how much harder it is living at your house and I know there is nothing I can do about it. Also, don't criticize the way I speak. If you don't like it, don't talk to me. Don't tell me that I really need to stop speaking in third person because honestly when the fuck was the last time I did that? When I try to explain myself, don't interrupt me, I don't do that to you. I find it incredibly rude and disrespectful. Also, you wonder why you can't get a girl, try treating them with respect. "You ran to me, and you bounced" isn't going to get you a girl, you make me feel so uncomfortable sometimes and I don't know how to tell you that. I hate change, especially when it is unnecessary, when you changed, it was for the worse. I don't mean to be a bitch, but that is just how I feel. You've moved from someone who cared about everyone to someone who only cares about yourself, and I hate that about you I really do. Sometimes it's too late to change things but how hard is it to turn your filter on when you want to make a comment about a girl. I don't want to hear you have to say. To be completely honest, I tune you out most of the time. Why, because I can't stand the things you say about some people. I understand that you may not like someone, but to trash someone I hold so close to my heart makes me like you less and less every time. We are one staff, one whole staff. To tell me that you don't care about two members of my family...excuse me...of OUR family...at all, hurts me. Also, you give the worst advice ever. When you try to make people feel better, you just end up making them feel worse, because you try to make your problems bigger than everyone else's. It isn't always about you. "Oh, ****** I don't care if you smoke," but when I hand her a cigarette it turns into blah blah why do you have cigarettes thats horrible blah blah you're addicted...why do I have them? to fucking smoke them, that's why.
You two aren't even the reason I wanted to write here today. So I'm just going to leave it at I smoke because I do, your problems aren't as bad as you think they are, and I will spend my money on whatever the fuck I want to spend my money on.
I hate how every good thing I ever have going for me gets ruined somehow. I was an idiot and ruined everything with Chris and now, he's off saving the world. My grades suck and if I don't get them up, I'm going to lose my job and my major. James wants to join the army...yeah...
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| I just wish life was staples and had that easy button
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| So, I don't even know where to start.
I got a job as an RA and I love it for the most part. Yeah, of course there are some things I could do without but I mean, that's what life is about isn't it. Dealing with shit? I have the most amazing staff in the world. They're all great in their own way. Half the time I don't know how I'd deal with this place without them, they make it home for me.
This semester is going a lot better than the last one. Not saying that last semester sucked. It just seemed to be a lot more stressful than this one.
It was really hard trying to fit in here with the girls in my wing, but I think everything is cool now and we're all warmed up to each other. I know it must have sucked loosing an RA like Lisa in the middle of the year especially if she was your RA for over a year. I knew going into it that I had big shoes to fill and I know I haven't filled them at all but just getting the girls to say hi to me was a big enough challenge. I'm really glad that things got a lot easier.
I have a super hardcore monster crush on this boy. He rocks my socks. 
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